Great news: FYIF wins NIEA award!

We're thrilled to announce that Find Your Inner Fabulous won the 2012 Self-Help: Motivational National Indie Excellence Book Award.

This national award, based in Los Angeles, CA, is open to all English language books including small presses, university presses, independent publishers and self-published authors. Works published in 2009, 2010 and 2011 were eligible for consideration.

The competition is judged by independent experts from all aspects of the indie book industry, including publishers, writers, editors, book cover designers and professional copywriters. They select award winners and finalists based on overall excellence of presentation.

"Our competition is unique in that it takes into account all aspects of publishing that go into making a stand-out presentation including cover design, interior layout and promotional text,” said Smarketing LLC, Ellen Reid CEO, and President, sponsor of the awards.

For more information, visit: http://www.indieexcellence.com/.

Follow your talent

‎ "Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage

to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads."

                                           - Erica Mann Jong

               MINDY:  When I was 11, I told my Mom I was going to help others when I grew up.  I always knew my talent was to be the person standing behind others, helping them achieve their goals.  

                I had the same intention when I started Find Your Inner Fabulous with Ruth, to be the person encouraging her and helping her share her talent with the world.  I never dreamed my talent would be shared with so many, because I didn’t think I’d have the courage to write my ideas in a book.  Having the spotlight on me makes me uncomfortable.

I think the quote above is about allowing yourself to see the journey on which your talent will take you, even if sometimes it's scary or difficult.  

                RUTH:  I always wanted to be an actor, then also a writer.  But, both are riskier occupations for earning a good living than, say, being a lawyer.  And some talents are more subjective.  How do you know, for example, if you’re a good enough writer if you can’t find a market to buy your projects? 

As senior year of college approached, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to support myself without a “real job.”  I worked for several years, then after amassing some savings, quit to pursue acting...but failed to earn enough to live on.  This made me fear another full-time pursuit of my dreams.  Finally, after 13 years of another corporate America job, I realized “someday is now.”    

MINDY:  A client gave me permission to share how she optimizes today’s quote. Let’s call her Alyssa.  Alyssa worked for her company for 22 years and hadn’t done anything to warrant a demotion, but her job was given to someone else.  She ended up two desks away from her old one, forced to watch her former team as they tried to manage without her. 

Alyssa loved her old job, but became overwhelmed by the volume of work on her plate.  She knew her talent was seeing details and that she was very good at her job, but would not consider looking for a new one until she was pushed out.  Alyssa needed to seek ways to use her talent and confront fears of where doing so might lead her.  She found a position in the same company, and is excited about her new team because they seem to appreciate her skill set but don’t overtax her.      

My fear of being the person in the front has become the reality I need to face.  In thinking about Erica Mann Jong’s quote, confidence is the word that comes to mind.  Do I have the confidence to stand in front of the world and show everyone my beliefs?  What if people don’t agree?  What if people criticize what I say and what I do?  Am I ready to take that risk? 

            The only answer I can give to all of those questions is YES.  Not because I like the idea that people will disagree or challenge my beliefs, but because I have confidence in my convictions.  I’ve seen enough people find success in the concepts I teach (and put in the book) and have had a lot of positive feedback from those who’ve used the tools I’ve suggested.  We all need that to find the self-assurance to put our point of view to the world.   What I hear from others helps to reinforce that my concepts and ideas are good so that I can feel confident to move forward with the book.

            If she hadn’t been pushed, Alyssa wouldn’t have sought a better position or challenged herself to find a way to use her talents in another way.  Some times in life we need to go down a difficult path to help us to see the opportunities that will better fit our lives and better utilize our talents.  I wouldn’t have sought out the spotlight, but when the opportunity arose, I was willing to seize the chance.  

          Can you see your talents?  Have you challenged yourself to see where your talents can take you?

Silence the negative voice shouting from within

When there is no enemy within;

the enemies outside cannot hurt you.   

              ~ African Proverb

            Mindy:  Another great quote is, “I am my own worst enemy.”  Why?  Because of negative thinking.  I’m sure there are deep-rooted reasons why most of us suffer from negative thinking.  Some learned this from our parents or were criticized by peers or teachers.  We’re adults who are allowing  past negativity to impact us.

            For some of us, unconstructive, harmful thoughts begin to feel safe.  They seduce us into believing we need these thoughts to prepare us somehow for something in the future.  If I already beat myself up over my weight or if I doubt I’ll get the job, then nothing you can say and nothing that happens can hurt me.  Wrong.  Criticism and failure still hurts.  Somehow, we continue to believe this to be true, so we hold onto negative thoughts. 

            The reality is that one negative thought will get together with another and reproduce, like a virus growing uncontrollably.  They won’t stop until you treat them for what they are…non-productive, unhelpful, time sucking infections. 

            How do we stop negative, fruitless thoughts?  The first step is to be aware you have them and how much they impact your life.  They make you feel bad about yourself and impact your self-esteem.  These thoughts are annoying and nagging, like allergies, yet most of us choose to ignore them, not recognizing how much damage they do in the long run.

            How do we become really aware?  I ask clients to keep track of their negative thoughts by taking a blank piece of paper and writing hash marks-- ////-- for each critical thought.  Often an entire page  fills up very quickly. 

            We have to catch ourselves when the thoughts pop in our heads so that we can stop them.  Not by beating yourself up that you’re having negative thoughts, but by being aware and reminding yourself that you don’t need to be so hard on yourself or others.  Awareness through practice is how improve at being kinder to ourselves. 

            Compassion for ourselves and others is key to lasting change.

           

            Ruth:  Negative thinking has been an issue for me.  Rejection is a huge part of an actor/writer/freelancer’s day, so sometimes it’s difficult to let go, move on and not a) take ‘no’ as a sign that I’m not good enough and/or b) think I could have done better.

            As Mindy advises, I have to catch myself when I have a negative thought.  I need to believe, as when I worked in sales, that every ‘no’ leads you closer to the next ‘yes.’

How do you handle negative thinking?  Do you let it hold you back, or shut it down?

Why Procrastinate?

Procrastination is, hands down, our favorite form of self-sabotage.

~ Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby

            I’m not a fan of procrastination; I don’t understand why someone wouldn’t do what needs to be done now.   I don’t like the feeling of something hanging over me, gnawing at me until it gets done.  I prefer to feel relief and accomplishment.   However, for many people, procrastination may be the only way to avoid feeling anxious.

            Putting off a decision is actually a decision in itself: to not face things that may make you anxious.  This is usually because the procrastinator has unrealistically high expectations.   The idea of attempting something they can’t do perfectly feels overwhelming.  It’s easier to avoid, make excuses and generally put off what needs to get done.  What if I make the wrong decision?  What if I can’t do it flawlessly?  For the procrastinator, putting things off is easier than facing fears.

            How do we become doers instead of procrastinators?   Here are a few steps I think are helpful.  First, set deadlines.  When you tell yourself you’ll do X task by Y time, usually you can manage to get it done – maybe on Sunday, but it’s still done by the deadline.

            Second, break down a task into small steps.  If your house needs to be cleaned, thinking about the mess in your entire house can be overwhelming.   Clean a closet, even one drawer, or do the dishes.  Don’t try to do it all at once.

            Third, reward yourself for accomplishing your goals.              Finally, visualize yourself accomplishing your goals.  See yourself with the dishes done and your reward in your hand.  Through positive belief in yourself, you’ll get to the end of your to do list.

            If you’re procrastinating about cleaning your house, try doing laundry on Monday, the bathroom on Tuesday, vacuuming on Wednesday, etc.  This big, amorphous job is broken down into specific tasks with deadlines.  If you get the smaller tasks done by Saturday night, you’ll feel good about rewarding yourself for a job well done.  If you visualize it, you can make it so.

Do you self-sabotage via procrastination?  If so, how does it impact your life?

Do you feel the need to be perfect?

To escape criticism – do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

~ Elbert Hubbard

There was a time in my life when I feared imperfection.   I needed to be the perfect body weight, the perfect worker, the perfect sister, daughter, wife.  I stressed myself out in my attempt to live up to what I thought everyone expected of me.   We expect too much from others and ourselves when we expect perfection.

            Perfectionists idealize themselves and the world around them.  We set standards that are impossible to attain over and over.  Because we can’t meet unrealistic standards, we begin to feel depressed.  So much effort is put toward reaching a goal that when it’s not met, we fall hard.  As we repeat this process, our self-esteem begins to suffer.

            We then begin to expect to fail.  We look with a critical eye over every detail, suspecting even the smallest mistakes as the reason(s) for our failures.  Perfectionists have all or nothing thinking:  “If I can’t do it perfectly, I just won’t do it.” This leads to procrastination. 

            No one is perfect.  So, how do we let go of the desire to be?  A good first step is to recognize that having flaws isn’t bad; everyone has them.  Because of my flaws, others can relate to me.  And having a flaw can break the ice in relationships.   

            My favorite example is about a former neighbor who was a bit cold to me when I first met her.  One morning while down in the subway, we were so busy talking  she didn’t see the pole in front of her.  CRASH!  We laughed and from then on were friends.  In that moment, the dynamic changed due to imperfection. 

            The second step is to realize how much energy maintaining perfection takes.  I’m not high-energy to begin with, so I just didn’t have it in me to keep it up.  

            I speak often in my practice and in FYIF about the need to have your own voice and define yourself.  That’s how I was able to let go of living up to what I thought others expected of me.  (If you want to know more, you’ll have to buy the book when it comes out.)

            I began to define my expectations in realistic terms.  I set smaller, obtainable goals so I could see results, which helped me to feel less frustrated and improve my self-esteem.   I no longer feared failure, because my goals were no longer out of reach.

            Third, accept that you are going to make mistakes.  Embrace them and learn from them.  Change doesn’t happen when life is status quo, but when we are learning.  We learn when we mess up. 

            What can you do to let go of perfection and embrace being human? 

Are you thinking about how much you over-think?

No problem can withstand

the assault of sustained thinking. 

                             ~Voltaire

Mindy: As we discussed last week, ruminating and over-thinking can be debilitating for those who take it too far.  I’m separating ruminating from over-thinking. I define ruminating as re-living what has already happened or worrying about a future that hasn’t yet happened.  Over-thinking is about real issues in your life currently, but you think about them more than is necessary or healthy.

Ruth often worries about where her next audition is coming from and what she’ll do if weeks go by without many auditions or any jobs.   You may worry about an important business meeting or how much your child’s orthodontia will cost and how you’ll pay the bill.

Worrying about these things isn’t wrong.  It’s when we over-think them that we begin to lose sleep; we become frustrated or paralyzed by possible outcomes, and we become anxious.  Seemingly small things become big issues. 

What can we do to stop over-thinking?  First, be aware of how it impacts you.  If you’re losing sleep or struggle with making small decisions, then it’s having a negative impact.  I’m a big fan of awareness; for some just realizing what your problems are is enough to initiate change.

Others need to work on letting go of the need to be perfect.  (We’ll discuss perfectionism will discuss next week).  It’s important to recognize that perfectionism is a factor in over-thinking, because it’s incapacitating and unrealistic.  You’re destined to set yourself up for failure if you expect to be flawless.

Second, ask questions.  Over-thinkers often make assumptions instead, which give the logic of our thoughts a life of their own.  If you go on a date with a great guy, but he doesn’t call you right away, you start to wonder why… was it my hair, something I said, what?  The thoughts begin to take off, often swirling us in a negative spin.  

I use a technique I call the Columbo Process (Columbo was a detective on a 70’s cop show who seemed dumb, but was really brilliant).  I play dumb and say things like, “What did you mean?”  Or, “Explain that, I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me?”

Simple questions make people less defensive.  When they answer, I get a clear picture of what they want or need, so I can stop thinking about it.

Third, accept that all you have is right here and right now.  Thinking about what might happen doesn’t prepare us in any useful way for what will happen.  I can’t predict the future, especially when it comes to human behavior.  If I could, I’d have won the lottery already. 

We may have a clear idea of what we think they should say, but because others are unpredictable, they usually don’t say what we thought they would say.   Since I can’t predict what others will do, why try?  It’s easier to get a good night’s sleep, and I’ll be more on my game when the conversations/events actually happen.  

Ruth: Not over-thinking is something I still work on.  I used to believe it helped me be more prepared for whatever might happen, but through the process of writing the book I understood what Mindy’s saying about the here and now.

Ruminating gets you nowhere.

“People who live in the past generally are afraid to compete

 in the present.  I’ve got my faults, but living in the past

is not one of them.  There’s no future in it.” 

~Sparky Anderson, elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in 2010

            Mindy: Ruminating about our past or future is a common problem.   I’m not talking about over-thinking, a problem we’ll tackle at a later date, but ruminating about and living in the past or future, which is more debilitating.  

            When I first started working as a therapist (a million years ago), I’d be so concerned about what I was going to do in the next session that I wasn’t focused on what the person in front of me was saying.  I missed out on things professionally and it impacted me personally.  I literally wasn’t hearing what people were saying to me because the noise in my own head was so loud.  I had to learn to change because not being present in my daily life caused me a great deal of anxiety. 

            How did I “cure” myself of this never-ending chatter in my head?  The older I got, the more I realized how I was wasting my time and energy mulling over what was done and couldn’t be undone.   

The next thing I did was teach myself not to live in that negative place.  Imagine yourself as a 16-year-old (you may be 16 and not have far to go on this imaginary journey, but for me that was a long time ago).  Now picture yourself trying to talk to that boy you thought was cute.  I wasn’t cool or suave, so the conversation was awkward.  I spent many hours dwelling on what I could have, should have, would have said, “if only”.  You know the fantasy: if only I could go back in time and do it better because I’d have thought it through and been prepared.

The older I got, the more I accepted that whatever the conversation was about, it was history.   I also realized that the person on the other end of the conversation was more concerned about what they’d said than what I’d said.  

When a client tells me she’s ruminating over something that’s already happened, I ask her to recall the conversation as a whole.  She usually sees that even if everything she said wasn’t perfect, she’s the only one still focusing on the details. 

My clients who succeed in conquering the demon of ruminating recognize how much time and energy they waste by over-thinking each issue.   They accept that there is no changing the past.  Finally, they realize that since everyone is so overly focused on what he or she is saying, no one is too worried about what you’re saying. 

Ruth:  A lot of therapy is about what happened in the past…when we were kids, based on the theory that what we’ve done makes us who we are today.   So where’s the dividing line between benefiting from our experiences, learning from our mistakes, not letting history repeat itself and ruminating?

Do you spend too much time thinking about the past?  Can you catch yourself doing so and focus on the present?