Are you thinking about how much you over-think?

No problem can withstand

the assault of sustained thinking. 

                             ~Voltaire

Mindy: As we discussed last week, ruminating and over-thinking can be debilitating for those who take it too far.  I’m separating ruminating from over-thinking. I define ruminating as re-living what has already happened or worrying about a future that hasn’t yet happened.  Over-thinking is about real issues in your life currently, but you think about them more than is necessary or healthy.

Ruth often worries about where her next audition is coming from and what she’ll do if weeks go by without many auditions or any jobs.   You may worry about an important business meeting or how much your child’s orthodontia will cost and how you’ll pay the bill.

Worrying about these things isn’t wrong.  It’s when we over-think them that we begin to lose sleep; we become frustrated or paralyzed by possible outcomes, and we become anxious.  Seemingly small things become big issues. 

What can we do to stop over-thinking?  First, be aware of how it impacts you.  If you’re losing sleep or struggle with making small decisions, then it’s having a negative impact.  I’m a big fan of awareness; for some just realizing what your problems are is enough to initiate change.

Others need to work on letting go of the need to be perfect.  (We’ll discuss perfectionism will discuss next week).  It’s important to recognize that perfectionism is a factor in over-thinking, because it’s incapacitating and unrealistic.  You’re destined to set yourself up for failure if you expect to be flawless.

Second, ask questions.  Over-thinkers often make assumptions instead, which give the logic of our thoughts a life of their own.  If you go on a date with a great guy, but he doesn’t call you right away, you start to wonder why… was it my hair, something I said, what?  The thoughts begin to take off, often swirling us in a negative spin.  

I use a technique I call the Columbo Process (Columbo was a detective on a 70’s cop show who seemed dumb, but was really brilliant).  I play dumb and say things like, “What did you mean?”  Or, “Explain that, I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me?”

Simple questions make people less defensive.  When they answer, I get a clear picture of what they want or need, so I can stop thinking about it.

Third, accept that all you have is right here and right now.  Thinking about what might happen doesn’t prepare us in any useful way for what will happen.  I can’t predict the future, especially when it comes to human behavior.  If I could, I’d have won the lottery already. 

We may have a clear idea of what we think they should say, but because others are unpredictable, they usually don’t say what we thought they would say.   Since I can’t predict what others will do, why try?  It’s easier to get a good night’s sleep, and I’ll be more on my game when the conversations/events actually happen.  

Ruth: Not over-thinking is something I still work on.  I used to believe it helped me be more prepared for whatever might happen, but through the process of writing the book I understood what Mindy’s saying about the here and now.

Ruminating gets you nowhere.

“People who live in the past generally are afraid to compete

 in the present.  I’ve got my faults, but living in the past

is not one of them.  There’s no future in it.” 

~Sparky Anderson, elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in 2010

            Mindy: Ruminating about our past or future is a common problem.   I’m not talking about over-thinking, a problem we’ll tackle at a later date, but ruminating about and living in the past or future, which is more debilitating.  

            When I first started working as a therapist (a million years ago), I’d be so concerned about what I was going to do in the next session that I wasn’t focused on what the person in front of me was saying.  I missed out on things professionally and it impacted me personally.  I literally wasn’t hearing what people were saying to me because the noise in my own head was so loud.  I had to learn to change because not being present in my daily life caused me a great deal of anxiety. 

            How did I “cure” myself of this never-ending chatter in my head?  The older I got, the more I realized how I was wasting my time and energy mulling over what was done and couldn’t be undone.   

The next thing I did was teach myself not to live in that negative place.  Imagine yourself as a 16-year-old (you may be 16 and not have far to go on this imaginary journey, but for me that was a long time ago).  Now picture yourself trying to talk to that boy you thought was cute.  I wasn’t cool or suave, so the conversation was awkward.  I spent many hours dwelling on what I could have, should have, would have said, “if only”.  You know the fantasy: if only I could go back in time and do it better because I’d have thought it through and been prepared.

The older I got, the more I accepted that whatever the conversation was about, it was history.   I also realized that the person on the other end of the conversation was more concerned about what they’d said than what I’d said.  

When a client tells me she’s ruminating over something that’s already happened, I ask her to recall the conversation as a whole.  She usually sees that even if everything she said wasn’t perfect, she’s the only one still focusing on the details. 

My clients who succeed in conquering the demon of ruminating recognize how much time and energy they waste by over-thinking each issue.   They accept that there is no changing the past.  Finally, they realize that since everyone is so overly focused on what he or she is saying, no one is too worried about what you’re saying. 

Ruth:  A lot of therapy is about what happened in the past…when we were kids, based on the theory that what we’ve done makes us who we are today.   So where’s the dividing line between benefiting from our experiences, learning from our mistakes, not letting history repeat itself and ruminating?

Do you spend too much time thinking about the past?  Can you catch yourself doing so and focus on the present? 

Know when to lead, when to follow

“The wise understand by themselves,

fools follow the reports of others.”

--Tibetan proverb, author unknown

Mindy:  The other day, I was shopping with my husband while on the phone with my mom.  She asked what I was doing.  I told her, “Following Angelo around the store.”  She laughed and said I wasn’t being much of a leader.  I told her a good leader also knows when to follow. 

To be wise (and therefore fabulous), be sure of the facts before you follow.  Too many of us follow blindly.  When we do, a little part of ourselves gets lost.  It’s not always easy to find the facts or be confident in the paths we take.  However, no matter which one we take, the best road is always the road we choose for ourselves.

 

A great example is my decision to invest time and energy to write Find Your Inner Fabulous, promote the book and pay for the website  without knowing where it may take me.  If I fail, it’s my failure.  If I succeed, that’s mine to own as well.  Even if failure hurts, success will be all the more sweet if I created it.

Ruth:  A key improvisation rule is “follow the follower,”  meaning the audience shouldn’t be able to see anyone taking charge of a scene’s direction or content.  There is no leader.  Every performer should focus on his/her scene partner(s) and not be thinking, “I’m going to do X or say Y,” or, “Oooh!  I have a great idea for Z.” 

Sometimes it’s hard to let go of a great idea…especially when you think yours is better than what another improviser came up with.  The goal is to respond and react to what’s just been said instead of promoting your own agenda.   By following the follower, scenes develop organically, with all players on board.  Everyone adds to and heightens what is. 

Improvisers are often told if they don’t know what to do in a scene, simply do what someone else is doing.  This kind of following can get everyone on the same page and foster teamwork.

The fabulous person knows her values and openly searches for the truth.  While engaged in the pursuit for truth, she (or he) knows when to follow and when to lead.

Do you struggle with knowing when to lead?  Do you find yourself following blindly?

Are you a worrywart?

If the problem has a solution, worrying is pointless,

in the end the problem will be solved.  

If the problem has no solution, there is no reason to worry,

because it can’t be solved.

~Zen proverb

Mindy:  Every day I work with clients who struggle to control their worrying.  It pains me to see so many people cause themselves more stress with what appears to be pointless worry. 

Often something seems like a problem because we want to solve or fix things that we either can’t or shouldn’t be fixing.  I can hear many of you asking, “What’s wrong with wanting to fix problems?”  Well, lots.

First, most are problems we’ve created for ourselves by living in the future.  I used to worry about what would happen to my niece and nephews if something happened to their mother.  The kids are mostly grown and their mother is okay.  I wasted time and energy trying to plan for a future that never was.  There was no problem I could solve, so there was no point in worrying. 

The Serenity Prayer encourages people to learn the difference between what they can and cannot change. It helps them remember not to waste energy on things they can’t control.  Why try to fix what may not even be your problem?

I believe when we try to solve other people’s problems, we create more problems for ourselves and them by forcing or enabling them to underperform.  It’s hard to watch others make mistakes, but offering support without trying to fix them will help reduce your worry and help others feel more confident about solving their issues.  You know the expression: “Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime.”

Our objective is to decide, “Is this my problem?”  If the answer is yes, what can I do to solve this problem?  If there’s a solution, implement it and stop worrying.  If there isn’t a solution, then there’s nothing to worry about because nothing can be done to resolve the problem. 

Takeaway: Don’t waste mental energy creating unsolvable problems to worry about.  If you find yourself doing so, talk it through with a friend and recognize that you have two options.  You can continue to waste energy worrying or you can recognize what you’re doing and let the worry go. If you’re having a hard time letting go of things you know you should, you may want to seek professional help.

Ruth: Some of what Mindy defines as worrying seems like preparation to me: considering options or devising a plan to avoid being caught unawares.  A recent example:  deciding whether to go into work on Blizzard of 2011 day or stay home.  Thinking in advance, even if some is worrying, can provide a sense of comfort and confidence that we’ll be able to handle whatever comes.  It’s easier to adapt a plan than not to have one. 

To me, the difficulty and challenge arises when you ruminate or dwell too long on a problem, but don’t take any action.  Inaction can make you unsure and/or afraid and take a toll on your confidence.  So many people fear failure or doing the wrong thing that they accept an undesirable status quo.  The dividing lines between careful decision-making, wanting and being able to help/offer advice to colleagues/friends/family and being a worry wart aren’t always clear.     

What do you think?  How do you stop worrying?  How do you decide when to step in and when to stand back?