Are you thinking about how much you over-think?

No problem can withstand

the assault of sustained thinking. 

                             ~Voltaire

Mindy: As we discussed last week, ruminating and over-thinking can be debilitating for those who take it too far.  I’m separating ruminating from over-thinking. I define ruminating as re-living what has already happened or worrying about a future that hasn’t yet happened.  Over-thinking is about real issues in your life currently, but you think about them more than is necessary or healthy.

Ruth often worries about where her next audition is coming from and what she’ll do if weeks go by without many auditions or any jobs.   You may worry about an important business meeting or how much your child’s orthodontia will cost and how you’ll pay the bill.

Worrying about these things isn’t wrong.  It’s when we over-think them that we begin to lose sleep; we become frustrated or paralyzed by possible outcomes, and we become anxious.  Seemingly small things become big issues. 

What can we do to stop over-thinking?  First, be aware of how it impacts you.  If you’re losing sleep or struggle with making small decisions, then it’s having a negative impact.  I’m a big fan of awareness; for some just realizing what your problems are is enough to initiate change.

Others need to work on letting go of the need to be perfect.  (We’ll discuss perfectionism will discuss next week).  It’s important to recognize that perfectionism is a factor in over-thinking, because it’s incapacitating and unrealistic.  You’re destined to set yourself up for failure if you expect to be flawless.

Second, ask questions.  Over-thinkers often make assumptions instead, which give the logic of our thoughts a life of their own.  If you go on a date with a great guy, but he doesn’t call you right away, you start to wonder why… was it my hair, something I said, what?  The thoughts begin to take off, often swirling us in a negative spin.  

I use a technique I call the Columbo Process (Columbo was a detective on a 70’s cop show who seemed dumb, but was really brilliant).  I play dumb and say things like, “What did you mean?”  Or, “Explain that, I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me?”

Simple questions make people less defensive.  When they answer, I get a clear picture of what they want or need, so I can stop thinking about it.

Third, accept that all you have is right here and right now.  Thinking about what might happen doesn’t prepare us in any useful way for what will happen.  I can’t predict the future, especially when it comes to human behavior.  If I could, I’d have won the lottery already. 

We may have a clear idea of what we think they should say, but because others are unpredictable, they usually don’t say what we thought they would say.   Since I can’t predict what others will do, why try?  It’s easier to get a good night’s sleep, and I’ll be more on my game when the conversations/events actually happen.  

Ruth: Not over-thinking is something I still work on.  I used to believe it helped me be more prepared for whatever might happen, but through the process of writing the book I understood what Mindy’s saying about the here and now.