Are you a worrywart?

If the problem has a solution, worrying is pointless,

in the end the problem will be solved.  

If the problem has no solution, there is no reason to worry,

because it can’t be solved.

~Zen proverb

Mindy:  Every day I work with clients who struggle to control their worrying.  It pains me to see so many people cause themselves more stress with what appears to be pointless worry. 

Often something seems like a problem because we want to solve or fix things that we either can’t or shouldn’t be fixing.  I can hear many of you asking, “What’s wrong with wanting to fix problems?”  Well, lots.

First, most are problems we’ve created for ourselves by living in the future.  I used to worry about what would happen to my niece and nephews if something happened to their mother.  The kids are mostly grown and their mother is okay.  I wasted time and energy trying to plan for a future that never was.  There was no problem I could solve, so there was no point in worrying. 

The Serenity Prayer encourages people to learn the difference between what they can and cannot change. It helps them remember not to waste energy on things they can’t control.  Why try to fix what may not even be your problem?

I believe when we try to solve other people’s problems, we create more problems for ourselves and them by forcing or enabling them to underperform.  It’s hard to watch others make mistakes, but offering support without trying to fix them will help reduce your worry and help others feel more confident about solving their issues.  You know the expression: “Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime.”

Our objective is to decide, “Is this my problem?”  If the answer is yes, what can I do to solve this problem?  If there’s a solution, implement it and stop worrying.  If there isn’t a solution, then there’s nothing to worry about because nothing can be done to resolve the problem. 

Takeaway: Don’t waste mental energy creating unsolvable problems to worry about.  If you find yourself doing so, talk it through with a friend and recognize that you have two options.  You can continue to waste energy worrying or you can recognize what you’re doing and let the worry go. If you’re having a hard time letting go of things you know you should, you may want to seek professional help.

Ruth: Some of what Mindy defines as worrying seems like preparation to me: considering options or devising a plan to avoid being caught unawares.  A recent example:  deciding whether to go into work on Blizzard of 2011 day or stay home.  Thinking in advance, even if some is worrying, can provide a sense of comfort and confidence that we’ll be able to handle whatever comes.  It’s easier to adapt a plan than not to have one. 

To me, the difficulty and challenge arises when you ruminate or dwell too long on a problem, but don’t take any action.  Inaction can make you unsure and/or afraid and take a toll on your confidence.  So many people fear failure or doing the wrong thing that they accept an undesirable status quo.  The dividing lines between careful decision-making, wanting and being able to help/offer advice to colleagues/friends/family and being a worry wart aren’t always clear.     

What do you think?  How do you stop worrying?  How do you decide when to step in and when to stand back?