Do you feel the need to be perfect?

To escape criticism – do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

~ Elbert Hubbard

There was a time in my life when I feared imperfection.   I needed to be the perfect body weight, the perfect worker, the perfect sister, daughter, wife.  I stressed myself out in my attempt to live up to what I thought everyone expected of me.   We expect too much from others and ourselves when we expect perfection.

            Perfectionists idealize themselves and the world around them.  We set standards that are impossible to attain over and over.  Because we can’t meet unrealistic standards, we begin to feel depressed.  So much effort is put toward reaching a goal that when it’s not met, we fall hard.  As we repeat this process, our self-esteem begins to suffer.

            We then begin to expect to fail.  We look with a critical eye over every detail, suspecting even the smallest mistakes as the reason(s) for our failures.  Perfectionists have all or nothing thinking:  “If I can’t do it perfectly, I just won’t do it.” This leads to procrastination. 

            No one is perfect.  So, how do we let go of the desire to be?  A good first step is to recognize that having flaws isn’t bad; everyone has them.  Because of my flaws, others can relate to me.  And having a flaw can break the ice in relationships.   

            My favorite example is about a former neighbor who was a bit cold to me when I first met her.  One morning while down in the subway, we were so busy talking  she didn’t see the pole in front of her.  CRASH!  We laughed and from then on were friends.  In that moment, the dynamic changed due to imperfection. 

            The second step is to realize how much energy maintaining perfection takes.  I’m not high-energy to begin with, so I just didn’t have it in me to keep it up.  

            I speak often in my practice and in FYIF about the need to have your own voice and define yourself.  That’s how I was able to let go of living up to what I thought others expected of me.  (If you want to know more, you’ll have to buy the book when it comes out.)

            I began to define my expectations in realistic terms.  I set smaller, obtainable goals so I could see results, which helped me to feel less frustrated and improve my self-esteem.   I no longer feared failure, because my goals were no longer out of reach.

            Third, accept that you are going to make mistakes.  Embrace them and learn from them.  Change doesn’t happen when life is status quo, but when we are learning.  We learn when we mess up. 

            What can you do to let go of perfection and embrace being human?