Are you a good listener?

          It takes a great man to be a good listener.
                                                            ~Calvin Coolidge

Mindy: As a fabulous woman, I pride myself on being a good listener. I do my best to be unbiased when I hear opinions that differ from mine.

Many women struggle to hear conflicting views.  They need to realize that differing opinions can be opportunities,  not blockades to learning.  When we take a stance and are unwilling to hear the counter argument, we miss out on much of what the world is trying to teach us.  Good listening is a skill that requires practice. 

In an interview on NPR, Anand Girdharadas (New York Times columnist and author) said Americans may be concerned about India and China as economic threats, but we should be more concerned that these countries “pose a challenge of culture and spirit.”  He said Americans pull each other down, while China and India are developing cultures of hope and creation. 

What can we learn from this?  We learn that we need to find a way to build each other up and be supportive.  As friends, significant others, family members and co-workers, we need to recognize that our ideas aren’t the only (or even the best) ones that could work in any given situation. 

Many clients come in angry because they assume everyone around them has negative thoughts.  When we make assumptions about what others think, we become defensive and guarded.  We then close ourselves off from communicating, learning and building healthy relationships.  

Do you or someone you’re close to struggle with hearing both sides of dialogue?  Do you often feel that you’re right and everyone else is wrong?  How do you handle these situations?

Finding common ground and being nicer to each other is what’s important.  In doing so, we open ourselves up to hearing others; we see possibilities for changing our attitudes.  And then we’ll be more fabulous.

Are you Fabulous?

“Obstacles are things a person sees

when he takes his eyes off his goals.” 

--E. Joseph Cossman

Do you feel overwhelmed and/or unsure at times about all the things you have to do and problems and obstacles facing you?  Do you usually feel great about yourself, or struggle with insecurities?  Are you thinking right now, “I’d feel great if only (fill in the blank…I were thinner, prettier, liked my job more, had a job, was in a relationship, was a better mother/daughter/employee)?

Some women are born knowing they’re fabulous. Others have to work to believe it.  Some of us dwell on or overthink our problems and flaws.  Others learn that overthinking takes up too much space in our heads. 

Mindy: I found I didn’t have room to worry about all the little things that seem to bother so many of us.  For example, the other day I dropped my iPhone at the gym.  The phone was dead.  I don’t know about you, but my phone is my life…it’s got all my contacts and my schedule. The woman I once was would have freaked out. 

What did I do instead? I put the phone in my locker and did my workout.  I put the phone out of my mind, sort of hoping it would work when I got back.  It didn’t.  I still didn’t freak out, I simply made an appointment at the genius bar (where they fix iPhones).  Problem solved.  I felt great because I got my workout in and trusted I’d resolve my phone problem the next day. Which I did.

A brain full of unnecessary thoughts is like a messy desk.  How do you find the specific file you need amidst the jumble of stuff?  You may eventually come across what you’re looking for, but searching through assorted piles requires more time and effort.  When we clear off our desks, when we throw out things we don’t really need, we feel organized, which helps us relax.  The same is true of our minds.  If we can clear out our mind clutter, we’ll feel less stressed.

Which brings me to FIND YOUR INNER FABULOUS, the book Ruth Kaufman and I wrote.  We’d been working on ways to help her find her Inner Fabulous.  We hoped by codifying the process and documenting her journey we could help others learn how to find theirs.

I’ve been truly grateful for the opportunity to create this book. Writing it has forced me to think about and consolidate tools and theories I’ve learned in my 20+ years of studying psychology and working as a therapist.  We figured out how to combine them into a step-by-step approach we hope is easy, interesting and rewarding for others to grasp and apply.

We hope:

--FYIF helps you, the reader, learn that you’re fabulous just as you are today. 

--You’ll join our ongoing discussion about finding and enjoying fabulousness.  Please share your thoughts, concerns and suggestions with us.  We won’t be able to offer individual advice, but we will listen to what you’re saying and tailor our responses in a way we hope will resonate with and prove helpful to the majority of readers.

--To change the world one woman at a time, until every woman becomes the fabulous woman she is meant to be. The stronger we are as individuals, the stronger we become as a community.

As Cossman’s quote advises, look to the end goal instead of sweating over the details you need to work out along the way. 

What’s the main obstacle you’re facing right now?  What one step can you take to tackle it?

We would love to hear your thoughts and struggles regarding obstacles in your life.  Please share.