Silence the negative voice shouting from within

When there is no enemy within;

the enemies outside cannot hurt you.   

              ~ African Proverb

            Mindy:  Another great quote is, “I am my own worst enemy.”  Why?  Because of negative thinking.  I’m sure there are deep-rooted reasons why most of us suffer from negative thinking.  Some learned this from our parents or were criticized by peers or teachers.  We’re adults who are allowing  past negativity to impact us.

            For some of us, unconstructive, harmful thoughts begin to feel safe.  They seduce us into believing we need these thoughts to prepare us somehow for something in the future.  If I already beat myself up over my weight or if I doubt I’ll get the job, then nothing you can say and nothing that happens can hurt me.  Wrong.  Criticism and failure still hurts.  Somehow, we continue to believe this to be true, so we hold onto negative thoughts. 

            The reality is that one negative thought will get together with another and reproduce, like a virus growing uncontrollably.  They won’t stop until you treat them for what they are…non-productive, unhelpful, time sucking infections. 

            How do we stop negative, fruitless thoughts?  The first step is to be aware you have them and how much they impact your life.  They make you feel bad about yourself and impact your self-esteem.  These thoughts are annoying and nagging, like allergies, yet most of us choose to ignore them, not recognizing how much damage they do in the long run.

            How do we become really aware?  I ask clients to keep track of their negative thoughts by taking a blank piece of paper and writing hash marks-- ////-- for each critical thought.  Often an entire page  fills up very quickly. 

            We have to catch ourselves when the thoughts pop in our heads so that we can stop them.  Not by beating yourself up that you’re having negative thoughts, but by being aware and reminding yourself that you don’t need to be so hard on yourself or others.  Awareness through practice is how improve at being kinder to ourselves. 

            Compassion for ourselves and others is key to lasting change.

           

            Ruth:  Negative thinking has been an issue for me.  Rejection is a huge part of an actor/writer/freelancer’s day, so sometimes it’s difficult to let go, move on and not a) take ‘no’ as a sign that I’m not good enough and/or b) think I could have done better.

            As Mindy advises, I have to catch myself when I have a negative thought.  I need to believe, as when I worked in sales, that every ‘no’ leads you closer to the next ‘yes.’

How do you handle negative thinking?  Do you let it hold you back, or shut it down?

Why Procrastinate?

Procrastination is, hands down, our favorite form of self-sabotage.

~ Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby

            I’m not a fan of procrastination; I don’t understand why someone wouldn’t do what needs to be done now.   I don’t like the feeling of something hanging over me, gnawing at me until it gets done.  I prefer to feel relief and accomplishment.   However, for many people, procrastination may be the only way to avoid feeling anxious.

            Putting off a decision is actually a decision in itself: to not face things that may make you anxious.  This is usually because the procrastinator has unrealistically high expectations.   The idea of attempting something they can’t do perfectly feels overwhelming.  It’s easier to avoid, make excuses and generally put off what needs to get done.  What if I make the wrong decision?  What if I can’t do it flawlessly?  For the procrastinator, putting things off is easier than facing fears.

            How do we become doers instead of procrastinators?   Here are a few steps I think are helpful.  First, set deadlines.  When you tell yourself you’ll do X task by Y time, usually you can manage to get it done – maybe on Sunday, but it’s still done by the deadline.

            Second, break down a task into small steps.  If your house needs to be cleaned, thinking about the mess in your entire house can be overwhelming.   Clean a closet, even one drawer, or do the dishes.  Don’t try to do it all at once.

            Third, reward yourself for accomplishing your goals.              Finally, visualize yourself accomplishing your goals.  See yourself with the dishes done and your reward in your hand.  Through positive belief in yourself, you’ll get to the end of your to do list.

            If you’re procrastinating about cleaning your house, try doing laundry on Monday, the bathroom on Tuesday, vacuuming on Wednesday, etc.  This big, amorphous job is broken down into specific tasks with deadlines.  If you get the smaller tasks done by Saturday night, you’ll feel good about rewarding yourself for a job well done.  If you visualize it, you can make it so.

Do you self-sabotage via procrastination?  If so, how does it impact your life?

Do you feel the need to be perfect?

To escape criticism – do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

~ Elbert Hubbard

There was a time in my life when I feared imperfection.   I needed to be the perfect body weight, the perfect worker, the perfect sister, daughter, wife.  I stressed myself out in my attempt to live up to what I thought everyone expected of me.   We expect too much from others and ourselves when we expect perfection.

            Perfectionists idealize themselves and the world around them.  We set standards that are impossible to attain over and over.  Because we can’t meet unrealistic standards, we begin to feel depressed.  So much effort is put toward reaching a goal that when it’s not met, we fall hard.  As we repeat this process, our self-esteem begins to suffer.

            We then begin to expect to fail.  We look with a critical eye over every detail, suspecting even the smallest mistakes as the reason(s) for our failures.  Perfectionists have all or nothing thinking:  “If I can’t do it perfectly, I just won’t do it.” This leads to procrastination. 

            No one is perfect.  So, how do we let go of the desire to be?  A good first step is to recognize that having flaws isn’t bad; everyone has them.  Because of my flaws, others can relate to me.  And having a flaw can break the ice in relationships.   

            My favorite example is about a former neighbor who was a bit cold to me when I first met her.  One morning while down in the subway, we were so busy talking  she didn’t see the pole in front of her.  CRASH!  We laughed and from then on were friends.  In that moment, the dynamic changed due to imperfection. 

            The second step is to realize how much energy maintaining perfection takes.  I’m not high-energy to begin with, so I just didn’t have it in me to keep it up.  

            I speak often in my practice and in FYIF about the need to have your own voice and define yourself.  That’s how I was able to let go of living up to what I thought others expected of me.  (If you want to know more, you’ll have to buy the book when it comes out.)

            I began to define my expectations in realistic terms.  I set smaller, obtainable goals so I could see results, which helped me to feel less frustrated and improve my self-esteem.   I no longer feared failure, because my goals were no longer out of reach.

            Third, accept that you are going to make mistakes.  Embrace them and learn from them.  Change doesn’t happen when life is status quo, but when we are learning.  We learn when we mess up. 

            What can you do to let go of perfection and embrace being human?